Aimless Thoughts πŸ‘€πŸ‘£

Yesterday I was happy,
Today I’m sad..

Yesterday I thought I had friends,
Today I’m searching the definition for friendship and realized that I don’t have any.

I know a lot of people,
But not enough to connect to.

My thoughts are all over the place,
Projecting….

So what’s real?

How was I feeling yesterday?
Or
What am I feeling today?

Yesterday I was happy,
Am I a happy person?

Today I feel depressed,
Am I a depressed person.

My thoughts are all over the place….

But to be honest,

I am what my mind is thinking today.

Fighting my thoughts πŸ’’

I want the success.
I want the wealth.
I need to make it in this life,
But to be honest, I don’t have the strength.

I blamed it on procrastination.
I blamed it on laziness.
Because people will quick to believe those, than to believe I’m depressed.

I wrote down my thoughts,
I exercise in the nights,
I read the positive quotes,
I even tried to eat right.

Fail.

Those things didn’t work,
Wasted my money on a therapist that’s saying the same things I’m hearing online.

Breathe.

I’m alive today, which is great.

I’ll take my time to heal,
and I’ll heal my way.

The method that work for John, Mary and Peter, will not work for me.

So leave me alone, let me deal with my mind peacefully.

Hey, it’s just a phase.

Anger.

Frustration.

Hey, I’m mentally drained.

I tattoo a smile on my face, so persons can stop asking if I’m okay.

No, I’m not,

But don’t worry about that.

Waste of oxygen telling you my problems,

Because I know “solutions” will not be your comeback.

Damn, do I have to go to work today?

Damn, do I have to smile with strangers, say good morning and put on a fake personality so I won’t ruin anyone day?

Damn, do I have to respond to my peers today?

Can’t I just avoid them and talk to them another day?

Life is so funny, I’m the one going through a crisis, but you’re the one that gets to be angry.

Why?

Because I didn’t want to know how your day went?

Why?

Because I told you I’m not in the mood for any conversations?

Sigh.

They said, “Hey, it’s a phase.”

Well, this phase is making me fall in love with depression more each day.

Crazy Sally’s Chronicles πŸ”₯ Part 1.

Ps: Fiction…

Dear Diary,

It’s me, Sally.

I thought I found the love of my life,

His words were so soothing,

Just his actions towards me weren’t right.

I didn’t care, I usually like these toxic things.

His words were poison and his hands kept on changing the color of my skin.

I didn’t care.

I just wanted him to stay,

My beautiful Kevin.

I thought he would have been my husband one day.

Dead or alive,

I really wanted his last name.

But Diary, this man was slowly driving me insane.

I cooked.

I cleaned.

I did everything right.

But this man didn’t see me as his Mrs. Right.

Having an argument with me became his favorite hobby.

He would create situations in his head, then have the nerve to call me crazy.

My beautiful Kevin, my sweet baby.

It seems like he was getting tired of life,

What type of woman I would be to watch a beautiful man like that get destroyed?

He was exhausted,

And I was worried.

I needed my man to get a long, peaceful sleep.

Diary, he needed it,

because he kept on using my face as a stress reliever,

And I couldn’t handle it.

I kissed him good night,

Turn on the stove,

Leaving him to enjoy the company of Mrs. Carbon Monoxide.

He needed it.

He needed that rest.

Apparently, the cops and the judge didn’t believe me…

So now I’m under arrest.

Bye Diary. I’ll speak to you soon.

KissesπŸ₯°πŸ₯° Sally.

Clique.

Broken hearts,

Broken circles,

Once we were friends, now we don’t sit at the same table.

Tension rise,

Emotions are unstable,

Broken trust, these relationships can’t be rekindled.

Secretly missing,

Publicly cursing,

Generation to generation, a curse that can’t be broken.

Whose fault is it?

Surely not mines,

Here we go again, another argument you started this time.

Don’t talk to me, stay over there.

Our energies don’t match again, we both got that clear.

The past was nice.

Thanks for your time.

Goodbye friend, we’ll meet as strangers again in our next life.

My boyfriend Wray πŸ’§

I promised my mother I would stay away from him,

The withdrawal symptoms started,

The sweating and the trembling.

I needed him, he was my escape.

Mom came in the room, smiled and said,

“I failed you my little sunshine, my little high school daughter is already a rum head.”

My eyes were twitching and I was feeling irritated.

I looked in her face and knew that dad reached home because this morning her lip wasn’t busted.

I smiled,

My hypocrite mother keeps on preaching how toxic Wray was, while each day death visits her because of the man she loves.

They always said, “Do what I say but don’t do what I do.”

I hated that quote and I was starting to hate life too.

I couldn’t keep the promise anymore,

I went to see Wray, the only one I adored.

The numbness was lovely, it helps me to block out unwanted noise.

I heard my mom screaming, but I guess she loves the sound of her own voice.

She loves his rough hand on her skin,

She loves seeing her favorite color running from her nose,

No matter how bad dad treats her, she still sees him as her King.

How did she expect me to leave Wray?

The only substance that keeps me at bay.

It’s not the right choice, but it’s the best one right now.

I boyfriend Wray, the one that will give me the confidence to leave this house,

One day,

Alive.

Poetry: “Selfish”

She had a broken mind and a broken soul,
She wanted to heal but didn’t know how.
She needed to breathe and innovate her soul,
but her selfish demon wouldn’t allow.
Jumping from relationship to relationship was all she knows.

She saw him and wanted him,
although she had so much baggage,
She didn’t care how it would affect him.
He was vulnerable, that’s what she liked,
She felt his darkness and wanted to be his light.
She drilled in his problems and kept on forgetting hers.
She saw the speck in his eyes and didn’t care about hers.

She wanted him broken and destroyed
but covered it to claim that she loved this boy.
Another broken soul has been created,
Another vicious cycle has started.

He had a broken mind and a broken soul,
He wanted to heal but didn’t know how.
He needed to breathe and innovate his soul,
but his selfish demon wouldn’t allow.
Jumping from relationship to relationship was all he knows.

The Vicious cycle continued.

Dear Mommy. Happy Mother’s Day.

There were days I wanted to kick the bucket,
Stressed,
Overdressed with depression,
Thought I was a disappointment.
I was on the edge, ready to jump.
Once again you saved me, although I was acting dumb.
You are always there for me through the weather,
From the sunny days through the storm.
A beautiful flower like you will always be in the center of my garden.
I didn’t have a father to grow me like a princess,
But I had you, who taught me how to be a Queen.
The sacrifices you made for me, bring tears to my eyes every night.
You’re my celebrity.
You’re my role model.
My love for you will never die,
I pray to be a good mother just like you.
I love you mommy,
and I know you love me too.
From Shenzy to Mommy ( I. Anderson).

It’s night now πŸŒ™

The moment I stepped into the room, it got silent.

Usually anxiety would choke me,

telling me that they are judging me,

telling me that I’m ugly.

This time I took control of my mind,

I sat among my peers with confidence.

I thought I was living in the dark,

but I didn’t realized it was just night time and the sun was about to rise.

Where there is dark, you can find the light.

I enjoyed the darkness and I enjoyed the light

They both showed me vital parts of my body, mind and soul.

I learned that too much sunlight isn’t healthy, overtime you will get tired of the heat.

I learned that too much darkness isn’t healthy, eventually you will go blind.

Everything happens for a reason.

Both the darkness and light taught me some good lessons.

I am grateful for everything I went through in life.

I love the person I’m becoming.

I love me.