“Reaching the Blue Mountain Peak”

I didn’t know which point I was trying to prove.

Is it to prove that I was healthy?

Is it to prove that I had the mental strength to reach the top?

I really didn’t know, but I picked the wrong day to prove a point.

The sun was hot and the place was humid.

Only had two bottles of water and a snack bar.

It was time to stop staring, thinking, and start climbing.

Halfway through my body felt like it dying,

My feet were numb.

One bottle of water left and I was breathless.

I was having a panic attack because it felt like I couldn’t go any further.

But when I looked down, I definitely couldn’t go back.

The only way was up.

I said a little prayer and continued grabbing rocks to help me up.

I reached a very steep area.

Had to be careful, one wrong move and I would end up being merged with nature at the bottom of the hill.

I used my feet and dig holes.

I was almost there.

I couldn’t move my head to look how far I was coming from.

I was looking at my goal, the top.

Two mosquitoes landed on my hand, I stared at them, biting my lips as I felt the sharp pain of them sucking my blood.

I took my eyes off them and continue focusing on the top.

I climbed. I climbed. I climbed.

I was finally there.

I was breathless, I was tired, I was hungry, I was sweaty, I was thirsty, but one thing for sure, I was happy.

I made it.

Now I know why I climbed it in the first place, to teach myself a lesson.

When setting goals for our lives, we often doubt ourselves and find all problems before we even attempt working on them.

Aiming towards your goals won’t be easy,

Every step you make towards it going to be challenging, but you have to learn self-discipline and commitment.

That’s how you will reach there, and when you do, the view will be spectacular.

Next goal: Mt.Everest

Mommy, it’s okay.😔

The room was tense.

Her eyes were red,

One more year is about to end, and no changes have occurred.

Debts were piling on top of one another and a new school year was about to start.

I didn’t want to upset her,

Suppose I structure my sentences wrong?

Suppose I end up saying something to send her in deeper depression.

I stand 5 meters away from her and said,

“Mommy, it’s okay,

Someday I’m going to make it, today is just a bad day,

I don’t need any new shoes or any new bag,

All I need for you is to understand,

I’m a blessing to you and you are a blessing to me,

We both working hard because we have goals to achieve,

The bills will be paid, don’t worry about that.

I won’t stop grinding until I reach the top.

I believe in you, the strongest woman I know.

You always put me first,

Shoes on my feet, while you walking bare,

Beautiful clothes on my back, while yours are stretch out with holes everywhere.

I’m going to make you happy,

So don’t you worry,

The struggle won’t last for long,

It’s okay mommy.”

Poetry: Numb 😶

No emotions.

No pain.

No feeling of loss.

No feeling of gain.

It’s like I’m just here living, without no aim.

No love for you,

Don’t worry about me.

You said I act like I don’t care, and I do agree.

“What’s on your mind?”

Truly, I don’t know.

“How are you feeling?”

My feelings can’t show.

“Do you love me?”

I don’t even know if I love myself, anyways you don’t need my validation.

Go live your life, try not to live for nobody else.

“Are you broken or depressed?”

I don’t know, I’m also trying to understand myself.

I’m numb.

That’s the only thing I know.

Don’t ask me anything else.

Poem: “What was the reason?”

I saw that man last night,

He kissed his little girl while saying goodbye.

Was it goodbye forever?

No.

But he didn’t know that,

He only wanted to go to the store and buy food for his baby girl and wife, who were at home.

He felt chilly, although the time was hot.

He felt hungry, although he left the house with a full stomach.

He felt weird but didn’t know why.

Poor little guy didn’t know he was going to lose his life.

What was the reason?

Nobody knows.

Robber came up to him and put the gun at his throat.

Trigger happy, no value for the human life.

A man ended up dead leaving his child and wife.

Improvement

Can you believe I actually got up 7 o’clock this morning and wasn’t miserable? It felt great. Changing your mindset can really help you, physically and mentally. I have always been a lazy university student, only doing work when I go on Instagram or youtube to read some motivational quotes. I would get boosted for 5 minutes and drop right back in my lazy routine. 

But this time, I got up early. Fed my birds and Fish. Took a bath. Cooked and ate breakfast and now I’m doing laundry and I still feel energetic. I have Finals, now I’m preparing to study. I wrote down my goals for the day, which I know will benefit me in some way.

 If you are reading this and know you have some important work to do, please just do it. I’m one of the biggest procrastinators ever and it’s the worst habit I could ever have. I hate it… I decide to change my mindset and now my behavior towards everything has changed. 

Work on your self. There will never be the right time. Just do it. you will feel better, believe me. you can even start your diary entries, to see what need improvement. Better your life. You are in charge of your own success. Don’t worry about anyone else, just work on yourself. I’m begging you.

you can survive.

You are AWESOME!

Sometimes you are going through somethings and not even the ones close to you notices. Your mind is all over the place, it seems like you don’t know what is happiness. Sometimes you feel lost. You are begging to be found. Tears want to come, but there’s no tear left to cry. The emptiness is so overwhelming, that it led some people to take their own lives.

I once felt the same, and I couldn’t find one person to talk to. The darkness felt like the best thing ever. Like the real me would expose itself, but the place was so dark I couldn’t see her. I isolated myself from my family. I seriously didn’t understand why I felt that way. My parents were treating me good, life was okay. So why was I feeling that way?

Up to this day, I can’t give you an answer. All I know is one day I looked in the mirror and said: “I have reached my breaking point.” I told myself I wasn’t going to make anything or anyone take my peace away, not even these courses I’m doing at my university (lool). If I fail, why cry and stress? That’s not going to make my lecturer change my grade, I will just work harder in the future.
I am going to start living life my way, at the pace I can. 

Yes, there is someone at my age, who is smarter than me, talented than me, better looking than me. However, that doesn’t take away the fact that I am smart, talented and beautiful too. I am awesome and so are you.

Sometimes we will not have people to cheer us on and congratulate us. Hence, you have to be mentally powerful, be your own cheerleader. Stop looking for motivation or inspiration. Your circumstances should be your biggest motivator. Is this the life you want to live in the next 5 years? 
Is that a NO? Come on my friend, just look in the mirror for 5 minutes and tell yourself that you are awesome.

If you don’t love yourself, how will you know when someone truly loves you?

Your mind, body, and soul should be your number one priority.

YOU ARE AWESOME.

Realization….

Am I weird by feeling happier when I’m not around people, but feels lonely at the same time?
Wanting a friend to check up on me, but don’t be around me too often.
I’m tired to be that friend at the back when I walking with two more persons on the sidewalk.
I’m tired to be that friend, whose messages get ignored in a group chat.
Wow, just came to a realization, I hardly have anyone by side.
lool is my life that sad??????????

Nah, I’m content. Oneday I will find the right set of people by myside. These people won’t make me feel like I’m a bothersome.
These people will love me for the misunderstood creature I am.